Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Things are a changin'

Wow..it has been way too long since I've update this blog of mine. Almost a month, I'd say. My last entry was very difficult to write. In fact, the past few months have been quite the rocky trail indeed. It seemed I was completely caught off guard with this uncomfortable ride, forgetting to put my helmet on and losing my safety gear along the way. A caution sign of some sort would have been nice. And, who knows, maybe all the signs were there, but I was too distracted to see them, leading me to my own danger. I know this may sound like spanish to most, but to me, it's the resounding gong of how my life has played out lately. So, with many tears, heartache, and convictions, I feel like God is wanting to take Adam and I in a different direction. Not to a new location or church or even jobs. We are very happy with where we live and with our church. Our jobs are very stable and Adam is moving along nicely through school. It's more of a "priority list" change, one that will effect our social circle and our ministries that we're involved in at church. A change that will hopefully draw us closer to each other and the Lord, while looking forward to the future.
Losing Grandma a month ago has completely turned my world upside down. I drive and cry. I think about her and cry. I go out to eat with Adam and cry. She is everywhere and in everything. Our memories together are all I have to cling to and they are making themselves very present. I don't talk about my loss very much with any of my friends, because it seems too depressing and it's not their loss. I mostly confide in Adam and my sister, Victoria when I can't seem to contain my heartbreak. I know that she wants me to be happy and to move on, but the wound is still so fresh and the bandaid I keep trying to put on it won't stay. So sometimes I have to let the wound bleed and hurt and burn so it can begin to heal. Those times are most difficult and I thank God that He has given me a husband who will do anything to see me happy. He has gotten me through those really rough patches.
My eyes have also been opened to some things that I don't like about myself. I have built up so much animosity towards some people and I don't want those feelings steering me so I am trying to bury them fast. I don't want to be angry and bitter because I know it's only Satan's ways of pulling me down and making me break. So, that is where the social change is taking place. Adam and I are trying to surround ourselves with some different people, and different places. We want to be encouraging to each other and other people and the way things were going, it seemed everyone wanted to hurt everyone else. So far, this change has proved beneficial. I have started a bible study with my mom on Wednesday nights and Adam and I went to a new class this past Sunday that we both enjoyed a lot. The study is great for Mom and I to do together, especially still grieving. 
Although, we aren't moving anywhere, change is still alive and molding us. We are trying earnestly to make the Lord our first priority and to make each the very next priority. The biggest thing we've learned is we can't fix everyone else's problems. It seems everytime we get pulled into something going on in someone else's life, it backfires. Yes, I've stepped on toes and I've made people feel uncomfortable. I have talked when I shouldn't have and blown up when I should have bitten my tongue.  Being kicked while you're down is one thing but I feel we've been beaten to a pulp. So, as you can see, something had to change. Without pain, there is no growth and no healing. I am looking forward to how the Lord is going to use us in the future and who He is going to bring our way =)

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